009: Are you terrible at establishing boundaries?
I'm neck deep in a bottle of red semi sweet wine right now and I just want to make sure we are all glowing up internally and externally. Let's dive in!!
I know maybe 4 things about astrology. One of those things is that I am a Leo moon, which means I love fiercely and have a tendency to cut people off swiftly. I didn’t always behave this way though. Years of unhealthy friendships, flimsy romantic relationships, and a toxic father-daughter relationship left me with a concussive AHA! moment a few years ago:
I did not establish boundaries with anyone. Ever.
Now, boundaries can look like different things to different people but there are two rules that every boundary must have:
It must be specific in how it’s communicated
It must have a consequence if violated
The hardest part of establishing a boundary, for me, has always been the initial you-hurt-me-so-now-I-gotta-protect-myself conversation. I don’t have these conversations with everyone that hurts me; only the ones who want to remain in my life AND that I might want to keep in my life. But there was a trust that was broken so now we need to have a talk AND if you can handle my truth then we can talk about boundaries.
Now, this might not be for everyone. If you want to cut a person loose, then snip-snip, biddie! If you want to give them an unrestricted second chance then bless your heart and wear a helmet. It’s your life. In my experience, if people don’t have to work for something, they value it less.
I’ve had a few friends mention that naming a consequence is the hardest part, which I find interesting. As someone who can occasionally get a little power hungry, to say, “don’t cross this line or else,” to another person makes me want to change my pants. What a violation of your boundary looks like and what a consequence of that violation looks like is a good time to think about how much to do to protect your time, energy, and space. For example: if your partner cheated and you both are trying to work it out, a consequence could look like “we’re going to couples therapy” or “I’m breaking up with you” or “I’m moving out” or “I’m burning everything you’ve ever loved.” It all depends on if you want to continue the relationship and how you choose to value your time, space, and energy within that choice.
As a Black woman, I can say that this is not something that I see practiced in the community often. So many of us are caretakers (in some facet) and that can create a pathology of “my time is your time” which is dangerous. I want to see women of color, but Black women specifically, claiming their space and telling everyone THOU SHALL NOT PASS like we’re Oprah giving out cars.
If this kind of conversation is new to you, then 2021 might be a great year to practice! One tip for general communication during sensitive moments: use “I feel... when you...” sentences and thoughts. Going on the attack isn’t helpful when trying to build a bridge. “I feel” sentences put your emotions and experiences at the forefront and those can't be dismissed or argued away. Your experiences of a person are valid and if your feelings are being dismissed then you probably shouldn’t be trying to repair this relationship.
An example of an “I feel... when you...” sentences could go like this:
“I feel unloved and forgettable when you disappear with your friends for days.”
You have explained your feelings and brought up the source of the problem. HUZZAH!
Now the conversation can commence.
What are some of the healthy boundaries that you are making for 2021 and onward? Tell me. I need to know.