The “Strong Black Woman”, "Necessary Trauma" and Other Themes that Made me Cringe While Watching Married At First Sight
I thought this narrative was outdated and done with but, clearly, I was wrong ....TW: Sexual Assault mentions
Last night was the final episode of Married at First Sight Season 12 and, sweet Jesus, it has been a trainwreck into a nursery full of disabled orphans yall.
I’m not going to break down everything that happened during the two part MAFS reunion. That would be way too much and it would mostly be consumed by the overwhelming sad-boihood of Jacob the entire time. Instead, I just want to talk about one theme that kept coming up in the reunion, and even in the episode of “Unmatchables” that followed immediately after the reunion last night.
This theme started with Paige’s friend who was invited to talk at the reunion. This was one of the same friends that were at Paige and Chris’s wedding when he let everyone know just how unattracted he was to Paige as a living human. At the end of her interview with Kevin (the host), she mentioned that Paige will be a stronger person because of this whole experience. I didn’t have time to think too much about her comment because this crazy-train of a show was still running on all cylinders and I didn’t want to miss anything.
As the show continued, Paige’s strength was constantly being mentioned by multiple people, with and without her being there (which is not a bad thing necessarily). But I noticed that the language slowly began to shift. The less people talked about her “strength”, the more they started talking about her assumed relationship to being labeled as a “victim” of the show.
I want to take a pause here and talk about this and I definitely want to hear some of your thoughts on this, too, readers:
I know that Paige continued to entertain this monster of a child named Chris (as to many women who are in abusive situations with men when a pattern is established). Let’s table this fact for a moment.
Webster's definition of a victim is “one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent.” Being a victim means that something horrible happened to you as a result of something or someone. I don’t think that makes a person weak, feeble or stupid. It just means that something terrible happened to you. I am a victim of racism everyday. I am a victim of sexual assault. I know that there is a stigma against the term victim because it implies that someone has less power in a situation, which I get. I am a victim but I have also survived these things, which naturally makes me a survivor, too. My concern is that when this narrative of “we will not call her a victim” comes in contact with Black womanhood, it very easily slides into the “Strong Black Woman” narrative.
I do believe that Paige is strong, graceful, kind and good-hearted. I do also believe that she is a victim of a well-practiced narcissist and a master manipulator. Both of these things can be true. And it gives the space for her to be both strong and in need of healing and care. Sure, I’m talking about Paige at this moment but I believe this carries through for thousands of Black women and immigrant women every day. I have seen my mom power through some of the toughest nonsense, abuse and heartache ever -like, a day will come where I will write a book about this woman- but, only recently, has she given herself the space to say “they did me wrong and I didn’t know better.” AKA - “I was a victim in this situation”
I’ve done the same thing and I know many other people have. It’s ok and I know we are all on a learning journey but I think it’s about time that we separate “being a victim” from “having a victim mentality” because those are two VERY different things.
Jacob = victim mentality (aka, sad boi extraordinaire)
Paige = victim
OK AND WE’RE MOVING ON
More drama comes and goes and the reunion is over. I thanked all of my ancestors that this season is over because I truly felt like I was chugging Kool-Aid in the desert watching this delectable garbage. Unfortunately (or fortunately, idk) a new series called “Unmatchables” came on immediately afterwards. This show was created by the makers of Married at First Sight and shows us some of the singles that were interviewed to be on MAFS but were deemed “unmatchable” for various reasons. In other words, more addictive tomfoolery.
Yesterday’s episode had a woman named Renise who was partially deemed unmatchable because of how she inappropriately handled conversations about sex. I’m all about sexual openness but, if she’s looking for a husband, she probably shouldn’t be asking men about their willingness to have public sex and spank her 10 minutes into a first date (I’m not exaggerating).
Through some very unorthodox methods, Dr. Viviana was able to get an emotional breakthrough with her later on. Renise shared that she was sexually assaulted about 10 years earlier and she shared how that affected her sexuality. During this very vulnerable moment, one of the spiritual guides that helped Renise come to this awareness told her: “That situation [her sexual assault] happened to make you a stronger person today.”
And I cringed so hard.
Assault never has to happen.
Trauma never has to happen.
Trauma is never necessary for growth.
Trauma does not encourage growth. It encourages a traumatic response.
Growth can come after trauma, but that is an active choice.
That choice is never easy and that growth tends to come with a lot of pain.
Because trauma is pain.
Nobody NEEDS to be traumatized.
And I wish people would stop romanticizing trauma like that. If you happen to be someone who, consciously or unconsciously, says these things (or if you are around a conversation where this is said), consider saying one of these lines instead...please:
I’m so grateful you survived that and are here today
That trauma does not define you
Thank you for your honesty and I’m here for you
I know you will grow/shine/thrive in spite of what happened to you
How can I support you in this moment?
If you ever want to more about it, I’m here
And the list goes on.
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Be well, be safe and stay zesty, my friends!